Noah (angelbob) wrote,

Something worth clarifying...

Krissy and I have been talking about having another kid. No, we're not pregnant yet. We won't be for awhile yet, even if everything lines up perfectly.

But... I have been doing Krissy a disservice in how I've talked about this. So I'll talk about that disservice, and why we're having another kid, and a bit of the logistics. No, not that part of the logistics -- I assume your mother covered that one, with more accuracy and less speculation than the kids on the playground did.

After our second kid was clearly healthy and thriving, I went and got a vasectomy. Like, right after. There were a few reasons. The pregnancy had been unpleasant for Krissy, with lots of nausea, fatigue, and a surprising amount of weight loss. Pregnancy plus toddler was hard for me. The labor was *very* hard, and Krissy hemorrhaged a *lot*. Like, it seemed like significant odds (maybe I'd have guessed 30% at the time, looking back?) that another home birth would be fatal to her. And Krissy was pretty strongly in favor of home births -- the near-fatal one was her attempt to get the home birth she wanted, and that didn't happen for our older kid.

When people have asked me recently about changing my mind about having another kid, I've said (abbreviated) "the last labor was hard, Krissy nearly died, but she's recently changed her mind about medical intervention being okay." That's basically true, but misleading for me to say.

Mostly, Krissy has continued wanting more kids the whole time. I didn't realize how much she did. I remembered the vasectomy thing as more of a mutual decision than she does. But in any case, she has mostly still wanted more kids, and for quite awhile I didn't.

I've become a lot more okay with having more kids. I made that decision when our oldest wasn't two years old yet -- and both kids have turned out amazing, I'm just saying. I was worried about me being good at being a dad, and I think my reasons weren't bad ones, but... I've turned out to be a really good dad, and I enjoy it a lot.

I'm also a lot more confident about dealing with pregnancy plus small children. Partly that's because I'm better at this gig. Partly it's because I think our kids are going to be *amazing* older siblings.

Separately, I didn't want to pressure Krissy to accept medical intervention. There isn't a way to do that that isn't pushing her, in an ugly way, to allow people to do unpleasant things to her body, under duress. I am really glad this wasn't something I "told" her to do, not even a little, and I stand by me not even *hinting* that "oh, if you'd do that then I'd be happier about the odds of you dying."

Despite that, I wasn't communicating about that.

Our younger kid also really, really liked being the baby for years. We didn't think kiddo would enjoy being a middle child, not even a little. It's easier to provide more attention with fewer kids, and it seemed like an ugly dynamic to take away the young'un's baby status.

It's a hard topic. If I wasn't sure I wanted more kids, it would have been horribly cruel for me to say "well, maybe." I had been thinking "well, maybe" for a long time before I was okay saying it.

So what changed my mind enough to say something? Partly it was the medical intervention thing. I like the odds of Krissy not dying a lot better if a doctor is more involved, given how last labor turned out. It was only a few days after she mentioned that that I basically turned around.

It also helped that not long before that, we talked to our kids about what it would be like being older siblings. Not surprisingly, our older kid thinks it's wonderful and would love more younger sibs. Shockingly, our younger kid also thought it would be great, and decided a baby would be awesome.

What changed? Several things.

But my answer above hasn't been fair to Krissy. I'll stop giving it. And so I'm explaining here why that's an unfair answer.

(Did you find my post about "surgery went fine, I'm doing well" a bit mystifying? I hadn't mentioned any particularly surgery-worthy condition or accident. You now have the necessary clues to put that together. I'm leaving a cryptic hint at the bottom of this message because it amuses me to know that most people won't read through. Just like it took awhile for my "I got married" announcement to be generally figured out, ten years back.)

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