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17 July 2016 @ 08:59 am
I tell Krissy everything.  
I hadn't thought of this as needing a public announcement, but... Since the extent of it seems to surprise people, I'll do so.

Please assume *anything* you tell me will be told to my wife. I don't literally find time to mention every detail of everything I do -- there aren't enough hours in the day, and a lot of it she doesn't care about.

But she's welcome to every detail she wants, and empowered technically to find out whatever she likes, within the realm of what I know.

Please just don't send me anything you wouldn't want her to know. Full stop.

(Okay, so, like birthday planning and things like that? Sure, within normal limits and for limited duration. But assume that before long, those messages too will be readable by her.)

A "don't tell Krissy" disclaimer is, naturally, worse than no disclaimer at all, because it marks that as something of interest to her. And I don't hide stuff from her, whether by actively doing so or by strategic not-mentioning.
 
 
 
blkblk on July 18th, 2016 02:07 pm (UTC)
I am not criticizing your choice of how your marriage operates, merely curious about how you put this into practice, given your wording here.

If someone tells you something in confidence, do you explicitly relay that expectation of confidence to her, or is it assumed that anything passed on about other people won't be repeated in any way? How do you distinguish "X told me something intimate and private and wouldn't want it mentioned" with "here's some general life news about X, you could congratulate them later"?
Noahangelbob on July 18th, 2016 03:13 pm (UTC)
In general, I'll let her know. Pretty much like you say -- "this isn't public news, but..." or "they told me this was X level of sensitive, and..." In general, I'll let her know why I think it's sensitive based on their behavior, if it's sensitive.

There's also a huge difference between "this is somewhat private" and "this is specifically private *from Krissy.*" I am, obviously, attempting to eliminate the latter entirely. This post is a fine example of "if it's private from Krissy, don't tell me, because I'm just going to tell her." But for stuff that's somewhat private, yeah, I'll often give the details of how I found out, including what the person in question said to me about it being private and (if it's a friend I know better than she does) my estimate of what that means to them.
blkblk on July 18th, 2016 03:53 pm (UTC)
> There's also a huge difference between "this is somewhat private" and "this is specifically private *from Krissy.*"

Oh definitely. Pitting people in a relationship against each other is inappropriate. There are some things that I don't want to be told, if the choice is then between me keeping a secret or hurting my partner. But on the flip side, I've also had a few experiences with other partnerships where I felt like emotional intimacy (even as a friend) that I shared with one was automatically be extended in full to the other without me actually being involved, and it tweaked with my sense of boundaries.

But in that case, it's their right to have a relationship with that level of sharing, and my right to not share. I guess my conclusion is that being explicit and open about where people stand on these things is good, so everybody can try to make their own educated choices.