September 16th, 2002

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When you're doing well and really living life to the fullest, you don't have the time to sleep as much. When you do sleep, you go to sleep quickly, you sleep deeply, you may dream more (I certainly do), and often you wake up more easily. The extra effort makes everything work right.

And yet I'm still lazy at times, sabotaging both my sleep and my waking hours by succumbing to temptation too fast, getting a "normal" amount of sleep so that I'm awake for less time and the sleep isn't as good.

There's an analogy here to other things in my life, and it's an important one. The sleep thing I can deal with -- I understand the problem well, I've dealt well (and poorly) with it in the past. But the problem just tastes like it wants to be generalized, to give me a rule that works in more places. I can feel that it's there, I can feel that it wants to give way, and I'm just not there yet.

I do know one thing. Getting more sleep isn't the way to find the answer :-)
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Brezsny again

He always gives good advice, often the unwelcome kind, the bastard. I owe him.

Gemini:

"One of these days I hope you'll try on the idea that's at the core of my life: pronoia. The opposite of paranoia, pronoia is the unshakable conviction that life is a vast conspiracy to liberate you from suffering, make you really smart, and shower you with blessings. It's not as simple as it might initially appear, however. For instance, the blessings flowing your way may not be the exact ones you imagine you want and deserve. They might even annoy or confuse you when they first show up. On the other hand, if you welcome the blessings you're actually given, they will ultimately serve you better than any you'd expected. I bring this up, Gemini, because you'll soon be offered a kind of grace that fits this description."
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When things are going well in my life, the back of my mind gets bored. It runs out of stuff it needs to be urgently ploughing through. When bored, it unlocks anything back there it can get its grubby little mitts on, 'cause hey, why not?

Sometimes that's exactly what I need. I tend to forget why I do some of the things I do, and what massive payoff I think I've been waiting around for.

Today is really, really good.