"You've never seen anything like St. Patrick's for bringing the Irish out in people," said P.J. O'Doyle, owner and proprietor of O'Doyle's Pub in Pittsburgh. "For one magical night, all the wonderful things you hear in all the grand old stories come true: the glorious thirst for drink, the endless singing, the pining for the fields of lost Erin. And, of course, the inevitable rollicking donnybrook that ends with a beer glass getting smashed over some poor lad's head. It's possibly the most appalling display of seasonal ethnic conformity you're ever likely to see, and that's including Christmas Mass."
And my horoscope for the week, also from The Onion:
"You've done endless reading on the subject and participated in hundreds of simulations, but you will still find yourself unprepared for actual sex."