"Please remember that I don't just make up the stuff in these horoscopes; I try to convey the moods of the cosmic forces and offer suggestions about how to align yourself with them. Having said that, I'll completely understand if this week's astrological mandate is too much for you, Gemini. Don't feel guilty if you can't summon the chutzpah to carry it out. The omens say you would benefit from acquiring a hand puppet, preferably an old-fashioned one from a thrift store. You should wear the puppet on your hand often in the coming days. In a different voice from your normal one, you should make it talk about the "shadow truths" of every situation you encounter: the crucial subtexts everyone is aware of but inclined to ignore, the unspoken mysteries that need to be named, and the illusions you can no longer afford to feed."
Wow. I'm thinking of some of the things I've been earning anti-brownie-points for lately. This would so piss off several people who are already not as keen on me as I might like.
On the other hand: hey, hand puppet.